Tag Archives: Mother

Everybody’s talking at me…

6 May

To anyone thinking of going through, or thinking of going through the adoption process, I have some advice for you.

Start cultivating some thick skin, because you are going to need it!

Everyone is going to have an opinion about your journey and the child who comes to be yours. Some are good and recognising them is important. Some are based on misinformation and old biases. I’m sure when a women in pregnant the advice is given freely and it is useful. After all a lot of parenting is learnt from our own parents and the people around us. What doesn’t happen when a women in pregnant is people talking about the possible issues that child could have.

When you adopt a child you, the parents, have to discuss things that the average parent wouldn’t hopefully never have to.  I’ve touched on this briefly before but the closer we get to panel and our child, the more this seems to come up.

My wonderful husband and I have had to grieve the fact we are never going to have a little person who is a part of both of us genetically. And while I’ve known for so long that I wouldn’t have children, falling in love and getting married brings that to the forefront again. I love my husband and would give anything for having a child the natural way to be an easy and simple thing. But it’s not and so we have to push forward.

So then comes the acceptance that having a child through adoption means not only taking on any potential medical/developmental needs the child may have, but potentially a whole other family.

Imagine you adopt a 2 year old child who up until being taken into care had lived in a neglectful family environment but who lived with an older sibling. Now for whatever reason it’s been decided the two children aren’t going to placed together, but they should still see each other.

Could you deal with that?

How about grandparents? The child is 2, they may have had a close relationship with the Nan but she can’t look after them due to poor health. Is it fair she shouldn’t see her grand children due to their parents inability to care for them?

What about the birth mother? Whilst she was unable to look after the children, she most likely still loves them and always will. The 2 year old will be fully aware that you may be her new mummy but she has another mummy who she doesn’t live with any more.

 

It’s easy to say you only want to adopt a child who will have no contact with their birth family in the future, but is that what’s best for the child. If you know anyone who is or had adopted, trust me when I say whatever the contact arrangements that are in place a lot of thought and planning was put into them.

And what about medical or developmental issues?

This is one of my big problems at the moment, and the reason for the need for thick skin. The husband and I, along with our social team have gone through the kind of the child we could take on… In depth! Someone saying a comment a long the lines of don’t let them bully you into taking a problem child really isn’t helpful.

Whatever the needs of the child we adopt, they will be ours. We won’t adopt a child unless everything is 100% right for us and them. But the key thing is, it’s between my husband, myself and social team what is right.

Every child deserves a loving and caring home where they can be the best they can be. Some children grow up and become the biggest stars, the smartest scientists or fastest runners.

Some children grow up and live independent and happy lives….

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Full Steam Ahead

18 Apr

I don’t quite know where the last three weeks have disappeared to. After being made redundant from my job I thought I’d have loads of spare time. Apparently not! Every day recently has been full of job interviews, seeing family, DIY etc. But it’s served a good purpose.

Today we met our very own social worker. She came over to get to know us and what kind of child we were looking for, to see the house etc. We also booked in all our home study appointments for the next few months. And most importantly, our Adoption Panel Date…

Thursday 5th September 2013.

 

139 days.

 

3336 hours!!!

It’s not that long.

After waiting so long to get to this point, it seems as the end is only around the corner!

In the meanwhile we have homework to do. Family trees, an eco-map of our support network, a complete chronology of every major event/person in our lives plus finishing off the DIY projects around the house. I have a feeling that even if I don’t find a job this summer, it will be gone in a blink of eye.

One more blink closer to our little one being home….

Childless Mothers Day

7 Mar

There is no escaping the fact that this Sunday in Mothers Day here in the UK. Walk along any High Street or through any shopping centre and you’ll see the displays to remind you. Of course I’ve sent my Mum a card, and organised the card from my husband to his Mum, but it would be nice not to be reminded that this is yet another Mothers Day without a little one in the next room.

We’re not one of those couples who has had to deal with years of not getting pregnant, and not knowing why, miscarriages and failed IVF. I’ve known for a long time that biological children were never really on the cards for me. But every time Mothers Day comes along, it’s ever so slightly bitter sweet.

Before getting married it wasn’t so bad, no one ever commented on my childless state. After marriage it’s a whole different minefield. Thankfully a majority of our family not only knows the situation for us but are extremely tactful. Some, not so much! Not specifically around Mothers Day, but mother/parenthood in general.

Some of my favourites include; 

You know when you’ve adopted you’ll just fall pregnant?

Nope, sorry, not going to happen. I sometimes wonder if people think that when a couple start to go through adoption they stop being intimate with each other. But when the little one arrives they start again and bada bing there’s a cupcake in the oven. Think about the friends and family you know who’ve had kids, naturally or otherwise. How many of them do you think have more sex after kids?

When you’re a mum you’ll understand.

Ouch! Thanks for that. I know this comment wasn’t directed at me in a negative way but it still pokes at a raw nerve. It’s not as if I think a child is like a tamagotchi. I’m fully aware of how to look after a child. I have godchildren, nieces and nephews who I look after. Just because I’m not their mum doesn’t mean I don’t know how to mother them. I have in-fact perfected the ‘mummy’ voice, as my 5 year old nephew will testify to.

Why don’t/can’t you have kids, if you don’t mind me asking?

See the thing is I don’t mind explaining why we are choosing adoption, the medical reasons etc. But there is such thing as a time and a place. If you know someone who is going through infertility issues or adoption and you’re curious, find a private moment to ask this question. I, like most women, don’t want to air my laundry (clean or otherwise) at work or in any public place. If you really want to less the glamorous reasons you are welcome for a coffee and cake at my house.

Said after commenting about feeling sick in the morning – Oh, are you pregnant?

Nope I’m not. I was just feeling sick. I didn’t realise that feeling crappy in the morning was the preserve of pregnant women and students.

 

The final one is my favourite even though it’s only been said once.

Who is the issue, you or your husband?

The person who asked this was nearly told I married a woman so that was the issue. But I reeled in my sarcastic side to say it was me, but as some of my husbands family had been adopted it was more natural for us and our family. This was a person I had known when I was younger but hadn’t spoken to for a long time. This conversation reminded why that was so. Sometimes Facebook is a pain in the rear!

I’m sincerely hoping that by the time Mothers Day comes around next year I will be writing about how my little one has brought me a card and flowers, and that hubby had to get up so I could have a lay in.

 

Then Mothers Day will be a good day…