Everybody’s talking at me…

To anyone thinking of going through, or thinking of going through the adoption process, I have some advice for you.

Start cultivating some thick skin, because you are going to need it!

Everyone is going to have an opinion about your journey and the child who comes to be yours. Some are good and recognising them is important. Some are based on misinformation and old biases. I’m sure when a women in pregnant the advice is given freely and it is useful. After all a lot of parenting is learnt from our own parents and the people around us. What doesn’t happen when a women in pregnant is people talking about the possible issues that child could have.

When you adopt a child you, the parents, have to discuss things that the average parent wouldn’t hopefully never have to.  I’ve touched on this briefly before but the closer we get to panel and our child, the more this seems to come up.

My wonderful husband and I have had to grieve the fact we are never going to have a little person who is a part of both of us genetically. And while I’ve known for so long that I wouldn’t have children, falling in love and getting married brings that to the forefront again. I love my husband and would give anything for having a child the natural way to be an easy and simple thing. But it’s not and so we have to push forward.

So then comes the acceptance that having a child through adoption means not only taking on any potential medical/developmental needs the child may have, but potentially a whole other family.

Imagine you adopt a 2 year old child who up until being taken into care had lived in a neglectful family environment but who lived with an older sibling. Now for whatever reason it’s been decided the two children aren’t going to placed together, but they should still see each other.

Could you deal with that?

How about grandparents? The child is 2, they may have had a close relationship with the Nan but she can’t look after them due to poor health. Is it fair she shouldn’t see her grand children due to their parents inability to care for them?

What about the birth mother? Whilst she was unable to look after the children, she most likely still loves them and always will. The 2 year old will be fully aware that you may be her new mummy but she has another mummy who she doesn’t live with any more.

 

It’s easy to say you only want to adopt a child who will have no contact with their birth family in the future, but is that what’s best for the child. If you know anyone who is or had adopted, trust me when I say whatever the contact arrangements that are in place a lot of thought and planning was put into them.

And what about medical or developmental issues?

This is one of my big problems at the moment, and the reason for the need for thick skin. The husband and I, along with our social team have gone through the kind of the child we could take on… In depth! Someone saying a comment a long the lines of don’t let them bully you into taking a problem child really isn’t helpful.

Whatever the needs of the child we adopt, they will be ours. We won’t adopt a child unless everything is 100% right for us and them. But the key thing is, it’s between my husband, myself and social team what is right.

Every child deserves a loving and caring home where they can be the best they can be. Some children grow up and become the biggest stars, the smartest scientists or fastest runners.

Some children grow up and live independent and happy lives….

Be prepared… Not just for Scouts!

Think back to all the parents to be you’ve ever known and the months of preparation they undertake for their new arrival. I’ve known a few pregnant women whose home becomes a baby showroom over the course of 9 months. Prams, cots, bouncers, clothes, nappies, wet wipes, toys, more clothes, bottles and all manner of gadgets. Take a picture of the bedroom of an expectant parent and it’s likely to look like a clearance sale at Babies R Us.

What do adoptive parents do to prepare? We who have no idea of how old our child will be, let alone the gender.

We’re planning to adopt a child aged between 0-42months. And within that age they are a few things that will be needed regardless of their age. Wet wipes, bath things, cutlery, toys etc. The bits I’ve been buying can be kept for a long time, nothing that will go out of dates. But slowly I have some tangible prove that sometime soon a small person will be here and in our family.

I’ve also been buying photo albums and all the bits for the introduction books. Taking lots of pictures of our home, family, cats and surrounding area too. And safety equipment. So far I’ve only got safety things for the plugs, but as we get closer to out panel date we will start looking at stair gates and door latches!

Some things for adoptive parents (and their family) not to buy!

A pushchair/pram/buggy.

Even though you may know the age group you are looking to adopt, do not buy a pushchair. If for no other reason than there’s a good chance that your little one’s foster care may have one to give you!

A cot/cotbed.

Same as above really. Also even if the foster caring isn’t providing a cot, it would be a good idea to try and buy something similar to make little one feel more at home.

Clothes and toys.

There are some toys you can buy, things that could be used for a long time. But for most of them, they have a life span. The same with clothes. Most little ones come with enough clothes to be going on with.

 

So far our nursery has been completely re-decorated but the only furniture we’ve put in there is a wardrobes and small chest of drawers. We also have some stacking boxes to keep all the random bits in.

My plan in the next few weeks is to make a series of lists of things we would need for each age group that we can’t buy until we’re matched. Bottles, nappies etc.

 

What ever their past story, no one can ever say our little one wasn’t wanted….

Full Steam Ahead

I don’t quite know where the last three weeks have disappeared to. After being made redundant from my job I thought I’d have loads of spare time. Apparently not! Every day recently has been full of job interviews, seeing family, DIY etc. But it’s served a good purpose.

Today we met our very own social worker. She came over to get to know us and what kind of child we were looking for, to see the house etc. We also booked in all our home study appointments for the next few months. And most importantly, our Adoption Panel Date…

Thursday 5^th September 2013.

 

139 days.

 

3336 hours!!!

It’s not that long.

After waiting so long to get to this point, it seems as the end is only around the corner!

In the meanwhile we have homework to do. Family trees, an eco-map of our support network, a complete chronology of every major event/person in our lives plus finishing off the DIY projects around the house. I have a feeling that even if I don’t find a job this summer, it will be gone in a blink of eye.

One more blink closer to our little one being home….

Feathering the Nest

So much has changed since my last blog, it’s amazing. We finally have our own social worker and we’ll be starting our Home Study in three weeks! At the point she comes over it will be almost exactly a year since we put out enquiry paperwork in the post. A year of waiting and wondering, of trying to prepare but not doing too much and moments of extreme doubt.

So much of the adoption process is out of the potential parents hands it’s been difficult making it seem real. At some point a little person will be joining our family, running around our home, scary the cats and getting sticky fingers everywhere. How do you prepare for that?

I’ve been nesting.

Not in the usual way an expectant mother will as I don’t know enough about our child to buy clothes and toys. Instead it’s been more about DIY, especially the nursery. My wonderful husband and father in law have spent the last few months spending their weekends re-decorating the room. This is another area to issue of not knowing has caused problems. How do you decorating a room for child who could be a boy or girl, and anything up to 3 years old? You certainly can’t make it to gender specific, or use traditional colours for a little baby. We’ve gone for a sea side theme, especially as we live on the coast. Beach huts and little sailing boats. Every time I go shopping I seem to find a little something. It is getting to a point where I’m not sure where it will all go!

I also have an Amazon Wish List. When I’m really feeling the urge to buy things, I go on Amazon and shop to my hearts content, I just to order any of them. I have things like a cot-bed, stair gates and cute baby clothes on there. A majority of it I will never need, but it makes me feel better.

In the last week I’ve been made redundant from my job. It’s not a major concern and I knew it was coming. The main issue is that I’m going to be at home on my own a lot more. I’m envisioning my Amazon wish list becoming alarming large!

Here’s hoping the Home Study is swift and straightforward.

 

Eyes to the Horizon….

We have to do what?

Recently the husband and I had to go through what may be the strangest stage of the whole adoption process.

The medical….

 When you start thinking about adoption you know somewhere along the line you will have to submit yourself for a medical evaluation. It’s a sensible ting to do as the last thing the social services want is to place a child in a new home, only for something medical to come up that could have been spotted before.

 However it is still very strange. As well as the usual pee in a pot exercise and listening to your heart, there are some very odd examinations. Your tummy is poked, feet ticked, back checked for curvature, hand eye coordination check and lost of boxes to be filled in on a form.

Talking to the doctor she found the whole process rather odd. As she pointed out a majority of the more serious illness wouldn’t be detectable by a simple medical check, and even more of them would develop rather quickly. That being said, we did get a clean bill of health.

The one thing we did learn after meeting up with the rest of our prep group later the same day, was that the price for medicals can be so varied. I’m talking anything from £40 to £150!! Every one has to have the same form filled in so I don’t understand why the big difference! Apparently there used to be a standard price but now Gps can charge whatever they like! Now I’m not saying they shouldn’t charge at all, we were with the doctor for about an hour. But there shouldn’t be such a big variance in the charge. 

The government are talking a lot at the moment about reforming the entire adoption process to make it more efficient but nothing has been mentioned about the cost of medical etc.

My advice, shop around and don’t be afraid to change doctors.

Oh and get a pee pot before your appointment so you can pee at home and not at the doctors surgery….

Childless Mothers Day

There is no escaping the fact that this Sunday in Mothers Day here in the UK. Walk along any High Street or through any shopping centre and you’ll see the displays to remind you. Of course I’ve sent my Mum a card, and organised the card from my husband to his Mum, but it would be nice not to be reminded that this is yet another Mothers Day without a little one in the next room.

We’re not one of those couples who has had to deal with years of not getting pregnant, and not knowing why, miscarriages and failed IVF. I’ve known for a long time that biological children were never really on the cards for me. But every time Mothers Day comes along, it’s ever so slightly bitter sweet.

Before getting married it wasn’t so bad, no one ever commented on my childless state. After marriage it’s a whole different minefield. Thankfully a majority of our family not only knows the situation for us but are extremely tactful. Some, not so much! Not specifically around Mothers Day, but mother/parenthood in general.

Some of my favourites include; 

You know when you’ve adopted you’ll just fall pregnant?

Nope, sorry, not going to happen. I sometimes wonder if people think that when a couple start to go through adoption they stop being intimate with each other. But when the little one arrives they start again and bada bing there’s a cupcake in the oven. Think about the friends and family you know who’ve had kids, naturally or otherwise. How many of them do you think have more sex after kids?

When you’re a mum you’ll understand.

Ouch! Thanks for that. I know this comment wasn’t directed at me in a negative way but it still pokes at a raw nerve. It’s not as if I think a child is like a tamagotchi. I’m fully aware of how to look after a child. I have godchildren, nieces and nephews who I look after. Just because I’m not their mum doesn’t mean I don’t know how to mother them. I have in-fact perfected the ‘mummy’ voice, as my 5 year old nephew will testify to.

Why don’t/can’t you have kids, if you don’t mind me asking?

See the thing is I don’t mind explaining why we are choosing adoption, the medical reasons etc. But there is such thing as a time and a place. If you know someone who is going through infertility issues or adoption and you’re curious, find a private moment to ask this question. I, like most women, don’t want to air my laundry (clean or otherwise) at work or in any public place. If you really want to less the glamorous reasons you are welcome for a coffee and cake at my house.

Said after commenting about feeling sick in the morning – Oh, are you pregnant?

Nope I’m not. I was just feeling sick. I didn’t realise that feeling crappy in the morning was the preserve of pregnant women and students.

 

The final one is my favourite even though it’s only been said once.

Who is the issue, you or your husband?

The person who asked this was nearly told I married a woman so that was the issue. But I reeled in my sarcastic side to say it was me, but as some of my husbands family had been adopted it was more natural for us and our family. This was a person I had known when I was younger but hadn’t spoken to for a long time. This conversation reminded why that was so. Sometimes Facebook is a pain in the rear!

I’m sincerely hoping that by the time Mothers Day comes around next year I will be writing about how my little one has brought me a card and flowers, and that hubby had to get up so I could have a lay in.

 

Then Mothers Day will be a good day…

Adoption-Baby Brain….

You often hear pregnant women, or new mums, talking about having baby brains. Normally when they’ve done something silly, or forgotten something important. I’ve now decided that it’s possible to have an adoption-baby brain.

Why, you may ask…

I managed to lock myself out of the house today. In my rush to leave this morning it never registered that I would need my keys to get back into my house while hubby was at work! After getting a lift home from my friend/boss, I found myself outside my home without keys to get in. Thankfully I have lovely neighbours so I sat in theirs for a little while, waiting for hubby to come home.

It’s not the first daft thing I’ve done recently. I’ve left the oven on with nothing in, nearly flooded the kitchen and left my works keys in the store so I could get in to open the following day. I’m going to start blaming my adoption-baby brain.

I can’t be the only one though! The whole adoption process is so stressful and emotional it does have an affect on every aspect of potential parents lives. Our weekends are currently crammed with trying to finish off the DIY projects around the house so we don’t have to worry while we’re doing the home study. If I’m not thinking about those things, it’s thinking about what life will be like with a little one and the process involved in bringing them home.

In the meanwhile, I will having a spare key cut to give to my neighbours in case of emergencies…